To my audience of one:

Insufficient Information.

http://www.cae.wisc.edu/manuals/codewarrior.4/Manuals/Error_Reference_html/ERR040_Java_errs.fm.html

Best I can come up with without knowing more.

*shakes head*

And as an aside, the only people who count are the ones that earn that privlige.. through blood, sweat, toil and tears. The opinions from the peanut gallery are irrelevant.

I know a few of them.. you know others..

Frightfully few, aren't they?

But you already know this, don't you.

- Pizza

*sigh* Nobody seems to understand why.

Problem is there isn't anything tall enough around here. And I don't partucularly care for the splat at the bottom.

so.. why?

The last couple of days I've been driving very agressively, tires squealing as I go around an overpass at 35 over... but no matter how much I push it, it isn't going to be enough. Because I have self-preservation instincts. Any faster, I'll lose control, plow through the side barriers, and maje a nice dent in the pavement some 30 yards below.

I want to dive off of a building because.. it's symbolic. But more than that, it's something I'd be terrified to do.. but once I do it.. there's no turning back. Nothing I can do will stop me, and I may as well enjoy the ride.

I want to throw all control to the wind, and let it through my hair as I fall, keep falling..

I'm reliving my past because the present is lacking. Old emotions, highs and lows, tears and joy. I see where I am going now and I don't like it.

I want someone I can trust to catch me *when* I fall. Because trusting myself to catch me means that I haven't completely let go.

I almost reached this point last night.. I could conciously feel myself slipping away, almost falling out of my body. But I didn't. And I slept very poorly.

"Make yourself known and others will find you."

*shakes head and sighs* And give them the power to destroy you with a word. Is that what love really is? Or foolishness? It hit me, a day or two ago, that there was (is?) one person who did reach that level with me.

Nothing else has come close since. And I remain in my memories. Struggling to find myself again and get on with life.

Well, having a final at 8. Which is why I chose that song. Becaue it's terrible. Only took me six tries to frantically bang my massword into the computer to turn the damn song off. Any more and I'd have likely chucked the damn thing out the window. An expensive alarm clock (state-owned,

even..) to smash!

Car stayed illegally parked durning my final. Parking didn't get me! It's almost like they knew of my plight, my hard work and efforts going into an impossibly hard AI final first thing Monday morning. Getting into my car three hours later; I drive to work, parking illegally yet again.

I had a paycheck! So I treated myelf to a delicious Kool Korner Cuban sammich. If you haven't had one, GO THERE TOMORROW and try one. They're capable of cheering up the most depressed hunger, and it leaves a plethora of interesting sensations on your tongue, throat, and your tummy positvely radiates good vibes afterwards.

After two hours at work (no ticket! Take that, parking!) I head homewards, driving twenty over the speed limit on I-75 (getting passed on both sides too, mind you!) with the radio cranked up too loud for the two non-blown speakers to handle without making Santana sound like he has larangitis..

Sunroof open, windows down, 80MPH wind in my hair.. life is good. Until I stop, and realize my hair was a giant knot. Oops. Step insode the door of my temporary abode, and I'm bowled over by two rather large puppies pulling me down to their level doing their utmost to french-kiss me.

Shaken, not stirred, I extract myself from the hairballs and run to my room to shed. My bathrobe. And proceed to get much work done. I pay bills with my new-found assets, find I might actually have a new apartment in two days, and that I'm on top of my studies for my remaining finals!

Ah, life is good. And people think I'm smoking something when I show up for a a final in my purple bathrobe with my hair in braids.

What do they know? I'm frickin' insane! And I love it!

Let's see.. About a month ago, I told my family to go to hell and I moved out. Taking the whole "living on the edge" to a whole new level, thanks to a heinous school load, I barely made any money, so I'm scraping by. But that I can deal with. *chuckle*

So I'm now living about twice as far out as I used to, northwest of Atlanta proper, almost in Austell, GA. Nice place, but the commute's a bitch. I'm making arrangements to move in with an old friend in another month, with any luck it'll go through fine.

It's nice, being away from my sisters. I'm on better terms with them now than I've ever been, though my parents were (and still are) royally pissed.

But anyway. Metnally, I've improved light-years in the past week.. finally emerging from the shell I erected to save my sanity this past semester. Took on too much, and I've paid the price. I was reduced to the level of my nervous breakdown two years ago, but this time.. I knew. No migranes, no piecing myself together. Rest, I was fine.

***

Many recent realizations. I've accomplished so much of my personal goals.. it's scary. It's been a long, hard journey so far, and it isn't over by far. But.. I am who I want to be. Not everything, but the rest of my life is still ahead, ne?

I still have little tangible purpose or direction.. I see my personal achievements so far as a sort of infrastructure, the foundation for what I do with myself, something to build on. But nothing to build on it yet.

*stretching* While walking to work today, I realized something. I have this seemingly paradoxial conflict between wanting to be alone, yet wanting company. But it isn't just "company" -- It's something a lot deeper.

I need to be left alone to do my own thing. But the interesting thing is that "my thing" needs other people to work. I want to build something better, something lasting, something I can be proud of. I want to be able to think, "I helped do that", even if nobody else knows. If nobody appreciates my work, then what is the point in any of it?

I desire my labors to be appreciated. And that is why I love to give massages, shamelessly flirt with three-year-olds, listen to people, make others laugh (be it with me or at me) and generally try to create good vibes.

I'm in "wierd" mood a lot these days. Living on the edge of myself. Marvelling at the beauty of a bird dive-bombing a tree; a whole flock following at sunset.. Driving a friend absolutely wild (I should get royalties from her boyfriend.. *chuckle*).. giving honest answers, serious and comical at the same time, appreciating what I have. But now.. a sad, distant, wistful smile on my face.. my eyes loosing whoever gazes into them. I'm floating on a sea of feelings.

Balanced finely. All too often I'm knocked down when my effors to "share the crack I'm smoking" backfire.

"I'm waiting.. I'm waiting.. for you..."

*chuckle* I'm considered asexual by most people apparently. A dubious mark on my neck "looks like a dog scratced me" because the idea of it beig a hickey was rather lucicrous.

*smile*

Is it better to be underestimated? I don't believe so. Who am I? Will anyone find out? Will I ever?

"the empyness; the crazyness.. to satisfy this lonliness... Darling... how would it feel.."

I'm drifing around, still a pariah. I like it this way. So few people like me. And even then, they are almost all living in denial of themselves. I'll help whomever lets me.

Hmm. Thunder outside. Perhaps I will go and watch the rain fall. With the same slight distant, knowing, remorseful, blissful smile.

...but not for sex.

I must admit that I've been a bit antsy recently, but.. it's the closest common deomoninator that I can come up with that other people will understand. And what they'll understand by and large is the wrong thing; there are but a handful of people I know who would understand where I'm coming from here. And who could appreciate my reasons. The rest will

label me as a perverted deviant that indulges in pleasures of the flesh.

No, it's not about sex. More than that, I guess I'm after the good vibes; the "no-holds-barred" and general openness and trust we'd be showing for each other. We'd be making each other feel good and appreciated. *sigh* ...sex has nothing to do with it, and with the way I'm wired, I don't even think about it unless these "vibes" are there.

I strive to grow closer to people. But only the right people. "We'll see what happens." Be yourself, live on the edge, hold nothing back and things get interesting. I love to give massages, backrubs.. And I love to receive them. I love touch, contact... almost to the point of craving it.

There are no absolutes, no security, nothing but ourselves and what we do for each other. Doing what we choose to. So while I'm more open than ever to a handful of people.. I've largely closed myself off to the rest. People change. Only by being honest with ourselves and each other can we know and make things better.

I was asked today if I was any more secure than I used to be..

"No, but I'm much more secure about my insecurities."

It's called acceptance.

So I want an orgy.

But mostly to cuddle up with people I care about. Falling asleep together.

Is that perverse?

Since Valentine's day, I've been a bit of a mess emotionally.. and when combined with the insane amount of work that school piled on me that week, I'm coming apart at the seams physically..

But. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will sleep. Tomorrow I will rest. And next week, I will be better.

There's nothing quite like an element of your past popping back up and making your teeth rattle... Arrgh! Too many things to keep track of, priorities in a state of flux, no clear path to go down.

Well, I take that back. The clear paths are unacceptable.

(fifteen minutes later)

Interesting conversation about some deviant inspiration for dull days at CNN. Hmm. Too bad, eh?

*chuckle* Shows that I'm okay though.. Once this pile is finally worked through, I'll have some breathing room and time to recover. Took on too much this semester, I did..

Don't know what I'm going to do, but that isn't really relevant. I'll live with this pain until it's resolved or I die. Just need the occasional reminder that there are far more pleasant things than commiserating.

And I'll do the best I can. And what happens happens.

Oh, it was nice to hear from you, TK..

Mama, she has taught me well

Told me when I was young

Son, your life's an open book

Don't close it 'fore its done

The brightest flame burns quickest

Is what I heard her say

A son's heart sewed to mother

But I must find my way

Let my heart go

Let your son grow

Mama, let my heart go

Or let this heart be still

Rebel my new last name

Wild blood in my veins

Apron strings around my neck

The mark that still remains

Left home at an early age

Of what I heard was wrong

I never asked forgiveness

But what is said is done

Let my heart go

Let your son grow

Mama, let my heart go

Or let this heart be still

Never I ask of you

But never I gave

But you gave me your emptiness

I now take to my grave

Never I ask of you

But never I gave

But you gave me your emptiness

I now take to my grave

So let this heart be still

Mama, now I'm coming home

I'm not all you wished of me

A mother's love for her son

Spoken, help me be

Well, I took your love for granted

And all the things you said to me

I need your arms to welcome me

But, a cold stone's all I see

Let my heart go

Let your son grow

Mama, let my heart go

Or let this heart be still

Let my heart go

Mama, let my heart go

You never let my heart go

So let this heart be still

Never I ask of you

But never I gave

But you gave me your emptiness

I now take to my grave

Never I ask of you

But never I gave

But you gave me your emptiness

I now take to my grave

So let this heart be still

-- Metallica (Load)

wow. the most incredible weekend of my life.

Spent the night on a rooftop, saw the fireworks and sunrise.

I might speak more about it later, who knows. *smile* I'm letting the rumor mill spin up.

..the world didn't end. Despite me washing my car. (*gasp*!) Yes, the PizzaMobile is all ...shiny now. It's disturbing. I no longer recognise it.

Y2K problems. issues died, though that was because it got banged around too much on the trip home. Managed to salvage the windows installation, but the linux installation was shot. I'm in the process of re-installing it now.

Owel. Back to work.

(and shouldn't the y2K problem happen in the year 2048?)

It's 6am, I'm wide awake, and I feel so incredibly rested...

Maybe I'll drive home now to pick up a few things.Would be an ideal time, before rush hour and whatnot.

I probably won't continue to update this any more. Though I may or may keep it up, and add stuff occasionally. There really isn't much point in this. If people want to know what's going on, they can ask me. (and likewise) Everyone I know of that reads this knws how to find me.

I have plans on New Year's eve, finally. Scale a building and watch the sunrise i the orning. Maybe go up there early wough for the rollover, who knows. DEpends on the company. *smile* We're going to be talking a whole lot.. then again, perhaps words will not be quite so necessart?

I've made little progression through my books, and in fact boutght even more. but no loss. They'll keep me busy during classes in the Spring. But the really meaningful ones.. someth;ng's keeping me from reading them. Maybe I just an'tget comfprtable around here.. And it's too damn cold outside to lounge around outdoors to read. Perhaps during the day I can basck in the sunlicght somewhere. But I won't want to read then!

I am really looking forward to this sunrise. First one I've seen since... well, at least 18 months. OR rather, first one I've watched. I've pulled many all-nighters in the mean time. *smile* The last one had some significance to me.. But then again, don't all our memories mean somethign to us one way or another? Pleasant memories, too. In a most unpleasant time..

I've largely pulled myself out of the funk I was in earlier this break. And I'm quite glad.. I'm in another one of those quiet moods and stuff.

I think I'l take the dogs out for a run tomorrow. ...I'm really going to miss them.. they keep me warm at night. It's so nice to feel wanted, loved.. (...and it's not just because I control the food either..) I am planning on going to the Humane society after this stint is up.. and leaving with two cats. *smile*

I think I'm kind of rambling now. I'm tired. I'll probabvly go to bed in a few... enjoy the company of the dogs, and some memories to keep me warm tonight. And the hope of many pleasant memories to come...

*smile* I"m largely pleaseed with myself. I don't have what I want, nor do I have real goals.. but I'm doing the "right" thing.. I feel right. Time to find out where this leads me. And keep on truckin'.

*shakes head* you're wierd. *pokes self* ut I love y anyway..

Day three of housesitting. If it weren't for thee dogs, I'd have gone nuts by now. Behaginv themselves too. Last night in particular I slept with one at my feet and another maybe a yard to my left in a couch. It was nice..

Though it's not all dull. Last night I helped clean up someone who had been mugged and arranged for him ro be picked up nearby.. he's gonna need stiches..

I am in serious need of some zen time. Maybe I'll walk to school and take a nap in the grass... the sun's out ofr a change, so I probably won't freeze my ass off this time!

...that was a really wierd dream last night. Some of it's coming back to me now..

I could really use some company. *ironic chuckle* Loaded statement. *shakes head* I am a really odd case. And the more I figure out... the odder it gets. Like the fact my mind's seemingly in the gutter all the time yet I apparently have next to no sex drive.

But anyway. Company. Someone close to talk to, I guess. Perhaps I'm not so different after all.

Christmas eve. Whoop-de-fucking-do. What I want from other people isn't something that they're prepared to give.

Happy Un-wedding day, TK. Make the most of it.

pressure. strain. going to pop. lonely. afraid. weary. cold. falling.

dying.

help

Finals over. Bleh. I think I buried myself during my ProbStat final. Everything else I did pretty well in, if I do say so myself...

I'll be houseitting from the 21st until the 1st it seems. Nothing else planned.. Though in about seven hours I'm helping someone move. A LOT of sutff. Hoboy. Then it's off to a gradumation party for a friend.. I'm burning the last of the CDs for her right now. Not much sleep tonight.

Let's see. My reading list for the break so far, in no particular order...

Starship Troopers

Echos of Honor

Blue Mars

Death Gate: Dragon Wing

A pair of Babylon 5 books

The Science of Self Realization

The Silva Mind Control Method (found it lying around..)

The Alchemist: A Fable about Following Your Dreams

Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practicioner

and finally,

Country & Blues Harmonica for the Musically Hopeless *grin*

An interesting collection, no? One can see the slightly dualistic nature of what I plan on doing with my time. There are a couple of others on my must-read list but I'll hold off until I wade through most if not all of these. Including the "hope" series by David Fentiuch, a couple of Dan Simmons', The Dune series, and the rest of the DeathGate books as well. Quite a mouthful. *laugh* Though I'm sure I'll end up reading what I don't finish during class next semester anyway. Hmm. I have to make sure I watch a bunch of movies while I have access to that NICE sound system.. :)

A couple of programming projects too.. I got the SCSI snooper so I can analyze my scanner's command set.. and some new drivers to try out on the TV tuner. Heehee..

I plan on giving my car a bath sometime next week. first time in something like six months. I won't recognise it..

Yes, I definately won't be hurting for things to do.. but I will probably be quite lonely. Ah, but that's what the dogs are for. *smile* Not quite the same though. But hey, I'm going to spend time doing what I enjoy. Make the most of what I have.. anything else is an added bonus.

*smile* There are a couple of people I wouldn't mind spending some time with.. I should find out who's going to be around town over the next couple of weeks..

But anyway.

..good night.

Missed a final. In the only class I gave a damn about. Good-bye A, hello D. All I can do is plead, and the prof's out of town and hasn't got back to me yet.

Slapped a friend a few times. Apparently knocked some sense into her. Guess my methods worked, though I can't take credit for the results. It was up to her, after all...

Said a second "goodbye for two years" in as many days to same person.

WAtched a near-catfight between same person and another friend sitting next to me.

I want to kill Leyla. And perform Chinese water torture on her clueless manager who can't give directions to save her own life resulting in two hours of lost sleep.

No news on my DSL order yet.

I think I fixed the sunroof liner on my car. But I blew another foglamp last night.

A couple of changes to the stuff I was maintaining at work has resulteed in a 12x speedup. With the same accuracy.

This weary soul could really go for some love to cut the lonlieness.

What I want isn't terribly unique. But the proof is in the pudding, and I'm mixing it from everything I have.

Time, and will. That is what makes true friendships. If it's not moving forward, it's stagnating. So I move forward with what I have.

What do I know of The Craft? "Nothing" isn't quite the right word. Everything I have learned is along the lines of "it's whatever you make it to be." It's not concrete. But it's not nothing. YEt not quite someting.

When finals are over, I will move this forward. It has stagnated long enough.

Prversity is like icing. Without the cake, it loses a lot. Sure, icing can be eaten on its own, but it'll make you sick if you have more than a little..

Ugh. No zen time last night for me. They sprayed that lawn with pesticide. Come to think of it, I'd have probably seen some really neat colors..

Ach.

Back to the books.

Practice what you preach.

Just endured Leyla gonig on about how "$60 is normal for a haircut.." sheesh. She needs to get out sometime. Of her cloud, that is. It's her money... if she wants to blow that much on a haircut, then by all means. *sigh* There others that could put that to much better use.

Like me, who finally has a positive bank balance, though my net worth is still about -$500.. With any luck I'll be able to make a fair amount of money over the break. Who knows?

Speaking of which, I know what I'm going to do on New Year's eve. Sleep. Because I plan to get up around 6am and watch the sun come up. That ought to be quite nice. Now if I can find someone to bring along. I'll see what happens. I'm open to the idea of snuggling all night in front of my fireplace.. *smile*

I think I've taken care of one suitor, but I may be beating off another one. eep. *sigh* All it would be is a bit of fun, because I *know* that there's no future. And that's really obvious, at least to me.

Yes, I'm lonely. But damnit, I'm not moving forward with someone unless there's some positive prospect for a future without either of us burying some (major) part of ourselves.

Bah, morals. Such a pain sometime. But I like 'em anyway!

On a rather unrelated tear, I now have two programming projects of sorts for the break or whenever.. my scanner driver and my TV tuner. The scanner in particular. Hmm. I need something I can sniff the SCSI bus with. :) The TV tuner hasn't exhausted all of the possibilities yet, but it may come down to me trying to tweak the drivers as well.

Ah, the joy of lots of time on my hands!

Hmm. I should watch the sunset after my final tomorrow. *smile* It's been a while. Easy to please, hard to satisfy. I don't ask for much, and I even put the toilet seat down!

Ach, well. I get dressed now. Picking up Ayla from work. I don't really mind doing this stuff for her.. she asks, and isn't having such a good time these days.

...Braveheart soundtrack playing now. Good stuff this. Very deep and moving.

Did I mention I'm getting a makeover on Thursday? *giggle*

It's times like this which make me really want to move out of this place whenever I begin to consider staying after I graduate. I'm doing most of the laundry for the house now. Half the cooking. *sigh* Yet I'm the busiest one by far.

...

After a sudden "What ARE you on?" in the middle of a conversation tonight it appears that the general opinion has shifted away from mind-altering chemicals to that I have a significant other and/or I'm getting laid on a regular basis now. "You're ..happy now, much more social..."

I thought I was less social in general than I used to be. And I'm certianly not happy all the time. I probably have more on my mind now than ever. And then finals next week.

*sigh* SO, indeed. Nobody seems to want to come near me. and sex? Even more so. Almost like they don't trust me.

Just as well. I wouldn't know how to begin trusting someone else enough to let them in. And I'm probably too blind and caught up in myself to tell.

*Feeling rather drained and dejected*

I bought five books today. Added to the other two.5 I have already.. should keep me occupied for maybe a week or so of the break. Or more likely, during finals week.

...what the hell am I going to do with myself?

tomorrow, I don't know.

but tonight, I'm going to sleep.

Thanks almost entirely to a 30-minute nap in the grass instead of going to math.

Which spawned a (relatively) long writing binge. Which I'll probably just put on my web page once it's published. *snicker* Yeah, I'm writing it for the North Avenue Review, Tech's fine anti-something but mostly something different rag. It's sitting at just over one page of single-spaced text, though it'll probably be close to two by the time I submit it tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, if you don't know where my web page is, ask, since I obviously don't know you.

*change of subject*

..I do not like speaking about people behind their backs, especially if the one(s) doing the talking are not directly involved in the situation.

*back to your regularly scheduled ramble*

I botched dinner. Was supposed to be Fettucini Alfredo. Was someting not quite right.

Hmm. Ramadan starts tomorrow.

*sigh* Homework calls. Looks like my good mood just crashed hard.

Took my Networking final today. Total joke. If only everything else would be that simple.

*whew* It's been one of those days. I smash another foglamp in that damn remote parking lot. I discover that I ahve $-35 in my checking account.

I was practically grilled about what I'm "on." Or who I'm on. Or who I want to be on. Or what I want to be on.

I get "honest opinions" about the company I have kept. Warnings of impending doom. "Do you want me to be in your life?" questions. "You aren't talking to me anymore."

ach, my head hurts.

I'm ..quiet these days. I've closed much of myself off to others, yet I'm more open than I've ever been. Ironic.

People, I'm am not who I was. Yet I am more than ever. Deal with me, or raise your complaints, and I'll do my best to explain.

ugh.

it's going to be a long night. I'm going to finish this project, come what may tonight. Hiding behind the rigors of logic and computation.

and tomorrow, I buy a new foglight and see if I can get a new parking permit. onmy credit card. *sigh*

oh, my poor head.

another satisfied backrub customer. and it got me dinner, even.