I find myself with a lot on my mind today. Oh, that in of itself is normal, but for some reason this seems much more, well, visceral than usual.
It may have something to do with the massive backlog in my RSS feed reader; as I write this it's 11,400 entries, from something like 250 individual feeds. I fell behind on my trip to Arizona, and I've never managed to have less than about 3,000 entries in the unread pile since then. It would be worse, except my reader only keeps the last 100 entries from any given feed.
More than 3/4ths of the feeds are phography-related; a handful of photographer/technical blogs.. but mostly a deluge of photographs. It's given me many ideas, but more importantly shows me what works, what doesn't... and has really helped me hone what I want to accomplish.
The remaining quarter covers a wide swath, but the largest chunk of them are of a somewhat sexual nature, and of a rather deviant nature at that. I say "somewhat" because I'm not following them for the sexual content, but rather as an insight into the dark inner workings of the human psyche -- and sex is inexporably tied up in all of that.
Last night I found myself stuck on the couch with my leg wrapped up in a heating pad, with nothing to do except work on the backlog. And so I flipped through amazing photographs, read highly-charged stories of seduction and desire, and let the thoughts of dominants and submissives alike wash through my subconscious mind.
The more explicit something is, the less interest it holds for me. I like subtleties and suggestive visuals; letting the mind and imagination fill in the blanks rather than the "meat market" approach that puts it all on display. Similarly, I don't care for the "shop class" approach to writing (pound, drill, clamp, etc..) instead wanting to know what's going on in the characters' minds.
It's these mind games that I love; reading about the paradoxes of feeling, the conflict between reason and desire, the cascading snowball of emotions that destroy resistance and awaken the deep primal urges that we keep bottled up most of the time....and the sheer joy that comes from embracing them.
Immersing myself in this imagery, be it textual or visual, forces upon me a balancing act of sorts; feelings and parts of myself that must be embraced without being overwhelmed by them; the burning need to understand and how they work so that I can then see these hidden strings in others... and manipulate them to effect the effect I desire.
It's these desires and their affects that weigh on my psyche this morning. I have always needed other people, either as subjects or as an audience, and often both at the same time. Knowing what makes people tick helps me draw them out, past their projected shells, revealing themselves -- waiting for that perfect moment and capturing that emotion playing across their face in a photograph.
And later, the look on their face changing from (mock) exacerbation to a voiceless wow when they see the results -- themselves through my eyes. Their beautiful truth.
This is what I love; seeking out beauty, sharing it, and if I'm very lucky, creating some of my own. To do this, I have to open myself up as wide as possible, let the world in... and myself out.. to play.
It's no wonder life's been so interesting lately -- Like attracts like; passion begets more passion, and as some know, when I let myself out to play, it can be very fun indeed.